


easy for you

by ghoulspoons



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, this is just a vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:29:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28094691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghoulspoons/pseuds/ghoulspoons
Summary: Loving Bokuto Koutarou was the easiest thing he could do.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 3
Kudos: 67





	easy for you

**Author's Note:**

> past few weeks have been hard, this is just a quick vent. content warning for implied self harm and skin picking.

Akaashi hated seeing Bokuto hurt himself.

It didn’t matter if it was during practice where slipups lead to new formed bruises and stinging fingers or if it was because he was too busy telling a story to notice the pole in front of him and Akaashi had called out too late.

The situation didn’t matter, he just hated seeing the way his face fell along with his hair as a frown forms on his face. Seeing Bokuto wilt from sadness was something he never enjoyed even if it was only for a moment before he laughed it off.

Tonight wasn’t one of those laughing off days, it was going to be a harder one and it made his heartache because Bokuto was hurting and there was only so much he could do.

Two years of friendship, one which was spent getting together (romantically), had led himself becoming confident enough to deal with his sad modes and help pull him back through it. But tonight wasn’t just going to be simple praises or agreement with whatever new phrase he was suggesting he should be called, this was outside of volleyball.

He hates to admit it but he knows most people’s first impression of Bokuto was that he was loud and not that bright,but reality is it was the opposite with him. Bokuto Koutarou was brilliant inside and out, on and off the court.

Yes, he struggled with school sometimes but so does everyone, even Akaashi. And yes, he often spoke in a louder voice compared to most people but it was because he was always so happy about something and he wanted to share his happiness too because _“everyone deserves to be happy Akaashi!”_

He wishes people saw the real Bokuto instead of the one they made up instead.

It makes him angry, his fists clench in his lap when he hears a second year his age think that it's weird that Bokuto somehow always found the time stops by every single day during their brief passing period. She says it’s creepy because he’s older and just looks funny and her friend agrees.

(They don’t know that Bokutos is coming to check in on him and make sure he’s still alive because _“I know lunch is after next class Akaashi but you always look so tired I’m worried! I’m just making sure you haven’t died on me.”_ )

Hearing the whispers people say about him makes him angry in ways he never really feels outside of this. He has to take deep breaths to remind himself that getting angry will lead to unnecessary attention so he forces himself to breathe in and out as his fingers go white from gripping onto the desk.

Bokuto hears them too.

Akaashi knows because they’ll be walking together and there will be the not so quiet conversations about the captain and the vice captain, more specifically about how the captain was too much for one person.

That comment makes him angry and it makes Bokuto sad.

Usually he can move on from them, Akaashi would bump his shoulder into his and if that wasn’t enough he’d lead him to whatever private corner he could find and let himself run his hands through his sad hair until he was back to smiling and laughing with a red tint forming on his cheeks before he weakly protested the hand reaching out to cup his face in his hands.

That’s another thing people don’t know about him, that no matter how loud and overly confident he presents himself as, Bokuto was the one who would get so excited over any affection Akaashi gave him even after they’ve run out of firsts he still treated everything like it was the first time. From blushing every time fingers ran through his hair to the quietness that would settle over him the moment Akaashi put his hands to his face.

That was part of the real Bokuto, the Bokuto who's an incredible captain and ace, an amazing friend, a hard working student, a star that Akaashi got the luck to meet.

He wishes Bokuto saw that in himself too.

Instead Bokuto was tucked in the space between his desk and bedside, his knees were tucked into his chest and his eyes were squeezed shut as he rocked back and forth slowly.

It had started off with him sharing that he was struggling a bit with his latest math lesson but then they had overheard another conversation, (this one a strike towards his reliability as a _stable_ captain) and Akaashi knew it was going to be a day when the fingers in his hair rubbing his head wasn’t enough to completely bring him up.

Unfortunately he was right because the day has snowballed its way into a sucky day to a bad day to a full on terrible day by the time practice was over and Bokuto has worked himself up and Akaashi was forced to watch the way the ball stung against his hand again and again and again until he was made to rest.

It was really bad when instead of begging Akaashi to come over because his parents were always out on Friday nights, Bokuto just nodded his head when they reached his road before kissing him.

Though soft and gentle the kiss was obviously sad and he knew that was the hint to leave but he couldn’t bring himself to do that.

That’s why he found himself sitting on the floor of Bokuto's dark room trying to figure out how to console him while not overwhelming him. He wasn’t fragile but leaving him alone would leave room for more harm.

Watching him rock back and forth he noticed that one of his hands was rubbing harshly against his thigh, he wasn’t hitting himself but his palm was clearly digging into his leg. His free hand was closed tightly and his knuckles were practically turned white. These weren’t habits he did regularly, they were tick he had almost exclusively reserved for his bad days.

“Bokuto-san,” he called as gently as possible. “Will you let me see your hands?”

There was a sniffle and hesitance but he took the lack of denial to be a good enough sign to crawl over and hold his hand out.

Bokuto stuck his white knuckled hand out in return, he still wasn’t looking at him and there was shame in his voice. “I’m sorry.”

Any words he has are falling away from him when he looks down to see the hand he was holding.

His fingers were ripped raw.

It wasn’t just his nails that suffered damage, the skin around them were ripped away as if he had pulled on a hangnail too much. The worst was his thumb where he could see fresh blood mixed with dry and the angry pink picked at skin glaring underneath it.

“Bokuto-san,” he starts to say but it's cut off by Bokuto's incoming sob.

“I’m sorry Kaashi,” his voice was shaky. “I didn’t mean to- I just...I needed to make it even.”

He nodded, pretending to understand while he tried to ignore the blood that was staining his fingers and instead focus on the way the little light from the open window made so many shadows.

“Bokuto-san,” he tries softly. “Can you look at me?”

He did, his face red and eyes puffy as he tried to sniffle the remaining tears away. Akaashi could feel him trembling underneath him and he let go of his hand to open up his arms.

Bokuto moves quickly, he practically flings himself over and in that quick moment his face was hiding into Akaashi’s shoulder while his body still shook.

It’s familiar, they don’t have to say anything yet and Akaashi just lets Bokuto's tears fall while he focuses on letting his fingers go through the mess of his hair.

_“I just want to be someone you can love.”_

It was quiet, muffled from his face pressed into the crook of his neck but he still hears him loud as day. He can still hear how his voice was hoarse and raspy and how it came out shaken, how he had tripped over the word love.

Akaashi can practically feel his heart shatter.

“You don’t think I love you?” His voice cracks and he forces himself to take a deep breath, _he will not cry he will not cry because Bokuto needs him._

Bokuto’s silent but manages to shake his head no, he knows it’s supposed to mean _I know you love me_ but he still wonders if it’s because he doesn’t say it enough. He says it but it’s never as much as Bokuto, he proclaims his love every single day without fail while Akaashi says it back on more “rare” occasions.

It’s not that he doesn’t love him, he loves Bokuto in ways he barely understands himself and it’s something that scares him sometimes. He loves him so much but he’s afraid that he’ll spill himself inside out if he says it too much.

“I’m too loud,” Bokuto sniffles by his ear now. “I’m..I’m too much, I want to be easier for you to-”

Akaashi doesn’t let him finish, he cuts him off by tugging him back so they are face to face and he lets his hands go from his hair to hold his face and waits for a protest and when it doesn’t come he lets himself kiss Bokuto.

 _I love you so much_ is what he silently says between his lips. His hands desperately clinging to Bokuto’s face. _I love you I love you I love you I love you so much please believe me Kou._

Bokuto relaxes in his hands, smallest smile formed on his lips as he kissed back, _I love you too._

Loving Bokuto Koutarou was the easiest thing he could do.


End file.
